I Can't Even Believe It ...

What, you ask? Where do I begin? I can't say it was a great weekend because of the horrible thing happening to my uncle, but it was a good weekend because I got to see so many of my family members ... and got to hang out with my uncle for a little while. It's absolutely crazy what cancer can do to a person in such a short time. I saw him in February and to be honest, I could have seen him on the street this weekend and not known it was him until I heard his voice. Unfreakinbelievable. Even having seen its progression first hand with Brett's mom, it's still so hard to process. I can't even talk about it anymore right now.

And what else? So Uncle Buck up and dies on us and Uncle Ken is diagnosed with Stage IV lung cancer. What do I wonder? What else? Bad things happen in threes and i've been waiting for the third and hoping and praying that it doesn't hurt as much as these last two things. They say that birds are messengers and that if there is a bird tapping on your window or one that just won't leave you alone is some other way, that you will soon receive important news. About a week before I found out about Uncle Buck and Uncle Ken, there was a bird tapping on my kitchen window like a maniac ... inside our porch just tapping away ... I kept trying to shew it away so the dogs wouldn't get it but it wouldn't leave. And then I got the news. Well a few weeks ago a bird landed on the sidewalk next to our house. I thought he had a broken wing and I picked him up so the dogs wouldn't eat him. He didn't have a broken wing at all, instead I found a gaping hole in his chest like he had been attacked by something. I'm thinking "hole in chest", "lung cancer" ... oh shit. Was the first bird for Uncle Buck and the second for Uncle Ken? Is something really bad going to happen sooner than I expect? Brett put the bird out of its misery since it was obvious that we wouldn't be able to save it and decided to go back to my yardwork but couldn't stop thinking about my uncles. (I know i'm rambling here, it happens, bear with me. bear with me? or bare with me? english help please?) And again, wondering what that third horrible thing would be.

So yesterday I find out that a family friend was diagnosed with prostate cancer. Greg is a friend of my dads (Dad B.) and has been for as long as I can remember. He and his wife Donna went on skiing vacations and cruises with us when I was growing up. We had a lot of good times together. Donna is an academic advisor at FSU and helped me through a tough time with some decisions in college. They also had to listen to me throwing up all the way back the port after I drank a little too much on the last day of a cruise we all took together when I was about seventeen maybe? And jokingly reminded me of it when I saw them last October. Good stuff, huh? I wonder now how they are coping and if there is anything I can do. I just feel so damn useless. Why can't I do anything to fix this? Why does this keep happening? Why is cancer tearing apart so many families? And who is next? Will it be me? You just never know. I'm only 31 and have already lost so much to that terrible disease. And to top it all off, The Bradenton Herald had an article in the sunday paper about a large number of Bayshore High students who have died of cancer. Bayshore High is in my home town and I know many people who went there. Apparently they tore down the school and built a new one because of all the issues. Now there are something like 65 people who went there in the late 80's and early 90's (yep, my age group) who have been diagnosed with and/or already died from cancer. Link to the article here.

And the worst part of all of this is when I think about Uncle Bucks mom and sister and neice and nephew. And Uncle Ken's son and daughters and grandson and my aunt and my grandma. I know it hurts me but the pain they are going through is so much worse. And that makes me even more sad. And the fact that I can't do anything about it ... well that just sucks and leaves me feeling terribly frustrated.