Thursday, June 21, 2007

Cancer Strikes Again

I'm so upset, I don't even know where to begin. This will probably turn into a rambling mess but I need to get it out. I got one of those phone calls last night. One of those calls from a family members that asks first if you are sitting down. My heart sank. I knew before he even told me ... I just knew that damn disease had struck again. "Who is it this time?", I thought to myself. My uncle, who is also my godfather ... the uncle I probably spent the most time with growing up out of all of my uncles (and I have a LOT of uncles) because he was also my dad's best friend (this gets confusing ... he's my bio dad's brother and my other dad's best friend) ... was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I feel like i'm in the twilight zone. When you haven't been through this before you don't know what lies ahead. Patsy, Brett's mom, was diagnosed with stage four lung cancer. I've been playing that whole scene over in my head. Watching Brett get the phone call. Seeing him cry. Feeling helpless. Feeling mad. Crying but wanting to scream. Trying to do everything you can to help but knowing that nothing is going to save her. Watching her deteriorate. Thinking of all the things she will miss. Knowing that she will never be here to see Brett and I have kids. Seeing another family torn apart by this terrible disease.

So here I sit, thinking of my aunt and uncle and my cousins ... knowing what lies ahead of them. Feeling helpless once again and overwhelmingly sad. What do I say to comfort them when I know what hell lies ahead of them? I'm sad for Ashley and Brian, that their dad will never see them get married or have kids or even graduate college .... for they are still so young. I'm sad for my Aunt Gail, that she will be left without her partner. I'm sad for Erika, that her son will lose his grandfather so early in life and that she will lose her father. I'm sad for my grandmother, because you just aren't supposed to outlive your children.

But mostly ... i'm just pissed off. I'm pissed off that this terrible disease continues to steal life away from those I love. Why is it that we live in a society with this supposedly wonderful "western medicine" yet we still can't fix this? If early detection is the key, then when are we going to get to a point at which everyone goes in for a full body scan each year to find this stuff early? Why is it that two people I love, within four years of eachother, weren't diagnosed until they had stage four lung cancer? Why is it that it takes several months to get a diagnosis yet as soon as they find it, they bring you in the very next day to make you even more ill than you were, in hopes of slowing things down.

When is this going to stop??? I have two grandparents I've never met, an aunt that I miss dearly, a mother-in-law who is missed more than I can express ... and now an uncle that i'm going to lose as well ... all because of this thing called "cancer". And maybe the worst part of it all is that I know this is not the end of the list. It's only time before the phone rings again with bad news on the other end. It's not an "if" but a "when". And how close to home will it hit next time?

... there's been another "shift in the matrix". I'm reminded to appreciate every little thing I have and to not let the little things get to me. I'm reminded to enjoy life, because you never know when it might be stolen away from you.


  1. Hey Celena,

    I posted a comment yesterday, but I think Blogger ate it.

    Anyways...I just spoke with my dad and his chemo went well yesterday. The only side effect so far is the hiccups! LOL! He said he was up all night, but he got some medicine this morning to stop them. He is in very good spirits and I am thankful for that. Grandma is not doing very well, so keep her in your thoughts.

    I am finally over the initial shock. When I saw him last week, I knew something was wrong and all he would say is "It's bad". So, I had a week start on everyone.

    Thank you for your kind words, as they were very much needed. I am going to pick up knitting and have signed up for a beginners class on Sunday. LOL! I know some basics, but look forward to learning more.

    Please know that our home is alwyas open to you and all your boys. :)

    Much Love,

  2. Oh, sweetie. Not too many words... just two, that I'll put at the end. But lots of psychic hand-holding, and certainly my heart knowing without talking what your heart is feeling. My feet knowing the road your feet are walking.

    My two words? I think you know them. FUCK CANCER!

  3. I am so sorry Celena. SO much shit is happening lately that is not right.
    It's never easy.